Nori the shark is passing through NJ. She’s not your biggest problem

Her name is Nori — the Japanese word for seaweed. She is nearly nine feet long, tagged by OCEARCH researchers off Nova Scotia last October, and on Monday night she pinged off the coast between Ocean City and Sea Isle City off of Cape May County on her way north to her summer feeding grounds in Atlantic Canada.

She is not interested in you. She probably doesn't know you exist.

Nori was the first white shark to ping near the Jersey Shore this spring migration season. Every year at this time they move through. Most years we don't hear about it. This year we did because OCEARCH tracks them and the data is public. Nori is bright, curious, and heading north. She will be long gone by Memorial Day. 

But since she got people talking, let's talk about what you actually need to worry about at the Jersey Shore this summer. Because it is not Nori.

The actual odds

The likelihood that a person who goes to the beach will be attacked by a shark is 1 in 11.5 million. Your chance of being killed by a shark is less than 1 in 264 million. 

For context: falling out of bed kills 450 people a year. Deer collisions kill 440. Bees, hornets and wasps kill 58. Lightning kills 49. Sharks are not on the list of things that should be keeping you out of the water at the Jersey Shore. 

Here is what actually ruins a beach day. And the odds are much, much higher

SEE ALSO:  The unwritten rules of the Jersey shore every shoobie and benny needs to read 

The chair planter — odds: nearly certain

Someone on your stretch of beach will stake out enough real estate for a small municipality. Umbrella, four chairs, a canopy, a cooler the size of a Volkswagen, and a portable speaker aimed directly at your head. Your odds of encountering this person on a July Saturday at Seaside are roughly 1 in 1.

The boardwalk blocker — odds: 1 in 3

The group of five walking side by side at the pace of a glacier, impervious to the 200 people stacked up behind them. They will stop without warning. They will consult each other about funnel cake. You will not get around them for three blocks.

The unsupervised teenager after 10pm — odds: 1 in 4

Not all of them. Most of them are fine. But the ones who are not fine will find each other with a precision that defies explanation and congregate directly outside wherever you are trying to sleep.

The speaker situation — odds: 1 in 5

Someone nearby has musical taste that does not overlap with yours at all, a Bluetooth speaker that cost $200, and absolutely zero awareness that the family next to them can hear every word. They mean well. It doesn't help.

The beach badge lecture — odds: 1 in 8

Someone will argue with the badge checker. Not about anything that will change the outcome. Just to establish a philosophical position about the nature of beach access while twelve people wait in line behind them.

The tram car bump — odds: 1 in 10

I speak from experience. The announcement says watch the tram car please. It means it. Last summer I treated it as audio wallpaper. The tram car and I settled our differences personally. She starts running again Saturday May 9th. Watch the tram car please.

The parking situation — odds: 1 in 1

There is no odds calculation for this. Parking at the Shore on a summer Saturday is not a problem to be solved. It is a condition to be accepted. Build it into your timeline. Add forty-five minutes. Maybe an hour. You will use it.

Nori is passing through

She is not the threat. She is a nine-foot tourist on her way to Canada who doesn't even know the parkway exists.

Watch the tram car.